I used to hate Mother's day.

I used to hate Mother's Day. 

In my life time I have called 3 woman Mom,none of which are actually active in my life today. I decided never to call another woman by that name for fear that she would leave me too. I have always hated trying to figure out how to celebrate.  As I child I remember wondering where my Mom was, you know the one the hallmark commercial showed.

I didn't know her.

I have never been able to stand in the card line and pick out a card for Mother's day.  Years ago I banned this practice and refuse to ever read them again because I could never find the right one.

Which one should I pick...the "You've always been there for me.." or the "Through all the years I knew I could count on you...." or the "I hope that I can be half as good as Mom as you one day..."

There was never the card that said," You did the best you could and it wasn't enough." Or the "Your not really my Mother,but I wish I didn't want you to love me like you actually were."

Then there were the years of waiting to be a Mom and the years of infertility that seemed to be highlighted on this day. As I grow older and the pain of the past fades some, there is a huge drive to become the hallmark mom.  Even I can't live up to my own expectations of her.  

This morning I received lots of loot for the day. In my oldest daughters card it said,"Mom, you are the best Mom I have ever had." I don't really think I am the best Mom.  I still yell at my kids.  I still have not enough patience to really cope with them.  Most mornings we are searching for socks from the sock bin and they are eating cold cereal.  But the truth is, I am the only Mom she has ever had and that is more important to me than being the best at it.  

For my other kids, I am their second Mom.  This is where the drive comes in to be the best at it.  But sadly the bar was set low for me.  I don't have to be the most amazing or the best.  All I have to do is be consistent and never leave.  As someone who struggles with abandonment I know this will not be a wound that will simply be healed for them by calling me Mom or me showering them with gifts.  It required me to be there for them everyday failures and all.

I don't hate Mother's day anymore.  I am not sure Mother's day will ever be the Hallmark commercial on t.v., But each year that passes heals my heart a bit from the pain of the many ones in the past, and I hope it does the same for my kids.

This year I celebrated my first Mother's Day with this guy.  I am looking forward to the many years ahead as I attempt to love him in a way that I hope his heart heals from his past wounds and daily his smile heals mine.